Workplace Whispers

Smooth & Me

2008-08-11T15:58:00.000-07:00

There is a guy at work whom I'm friends with. Lets refer to him as "smooth". Smooth is a good friend because our personalities complement each other. He is outgoing and cocky while I'm (outwardly) reserved and polite. However as you can guess, our minds think very much alike. One day while at work we created a "workplace scale".

Basically its code words we could say openly in the workplace to rate women and nobody would be any the wiser what we were talking about. Basically if you would have sex with the woman, she starts off at 1. So if you wouldn't have sex with her, aka she is a creature from the black lagoon, she starts off with a zero. Next you rate her face on a 1-10 scale. You take that number and hold onto it in the back of your mind. You then rate her body on a 1-10 scale. You should have three numbers now.

Lets do an example because I can see you are already confused. Lets say there is a woman named "Mindy". Mindy is quite attractive, and I'd have sex with her and her face is a 6 and her body is a 7. Mindy's score would be a 167. "Consuela" (another fictional character) on the other hand looks like she crawled out of a primordial ooze pit. I wouldn't have sex with her because her face is a 3 and her body is a 4. Consuela's score is a 34. The convienience of the scale is that if a woman scores above a one hundred you would have sex with her. If not, you don't.

So all day we throw around numbers and nobody has any idea what we are talking about. I know...I know...it's genius.

My Day In Work

2008-08-07T13:24:00.000-07:00

Today was an interesting day in work. My boss comes over to me and tells me she has a "project" that she needs help on. Don't you just love old people, they are so fucking PC. A "project" means busy work for me that she probably doesn't feel like doing because of the minute amount of brain cells it requires. But for the sake of being polite, I continue listening knowing exactly what is coming.

She begins to paint this picture of an interesting research project I will be doing that will be greatly contributing to the proposal due in a few days. The translation is that I'm doing required appendix material that will never even see the light of day unless a lawsuit is filed against the project. Using verbage such as fun, interesting, important, and informative doesn't trick me into wanting to due the project you stupid bitch.

The clincher is in the way she said it, with a high pitched raised voice as if talking to a child. Since I am neither a child nor her child, I would have appreciated her doing her shit herself and leaving me to my normal internet surfing which has become a staple of my day.

Candy The Whore

2008-08-06T17:37:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows middle aged women are desperate for young men to have sex with. Its a known fact people, right up there with smoking causes cancer. Known fact! Anywho there is a woman who works in my office and lets refer to her as Candy. Candy is about 45-50, either Jewish or Italian (can't tell) and very loud. She has very thick lips which look like they were built to handle a penis and she has a decent rack.

Even though I have only been working at my job a month Candy has already begun her cougar-like predatory plan against me. A flirty smile here, a wink there, talking to me in the morning...she is acting cool but I know what she wants. Perhaps her husband has ED and can't pleasure her or maybe he is away on business a lot, I have no idea. All I know is that woman definitely has a few rounds in her and by the look in her eyes, she wants it from the front, back, diagonal and any which way she can get it.

For now I'll play coy with Candy, but when the situation presents itself, the predator will become the prey. If Candy keeps this up she is going to get more than she bargained for.

Starkeisha The Whale

2008-08-06T13:48:00.000-07:00

I work with a very large, very gregarious and interesting black woman. Lets refer to her as Starkeisha from this point on. Starkeisha is about 5'8, 300 pounds with massive breasts that would easily be at her feet if not for the taut bra that forces them to chest height. Picture a Victorian-era wet nurse who has seen one too many seasons. I like Starkeisha and we get along great except for two problems.

She has terrible breath issues. I will be sitting at my cubicle doing my usual mindless business and S-Keisha will come bounding over, I say bounding more like waddling, and blow me away with the toxic mix of scents known as her breath. I am usually able to keep the smile on my face long enough to finish the conversation before I gag.

The second problem that S-Keisha has is her choice of clothing. Because of the aforementioned breast issues, she is forced to wear the same thing everyday. A black sweater-type top that helps reign her chest in, and black pants which are probably the only clothing she owns that can handle her massive planet-sized ass. Poor S-Keisha, I wish she would lose some weight and invest in some tic-tacs.

Why I'm Writing

2008-08-06T13:42:00.000-07:00

Everyone works with crazy people at a job they probably hate. I am no different. I started a job and have only been working there for a month. I get paid great, get great benefits and everybody is extremely nice to me. The problem is I hate my job. The work is boring and I need constant entertainment. I'm also a complete asshole which doesn't help either.

I am the worst kind of asshole. The one you never see coming or expect. I'm the type of guy that brings in doughnuts to work, makes small talk with everyone on the way to the cubicle and inquires about everyone's children. In actuality I really don't give a shit. My favorite part of the day is looking at the physical characteristics of the females I work with and comparing them to animals. Orangutan breasts, pig-like faces, elephant asses...you know the usual suspects.

I hope you enjoy my writing. I will speak the truth as much as I can however names and some situations will obviously have to be changed so I can continue to write under the anonymous handle. Its going to get interesting in here.

About The Author

2008-08-06T12:18:00.000-07:00

I am a 23 year old male working in corporate America. I am a very good employee on the outside. I am courteous, polite, well-mannered, well-dressed and generally pleasant to deal with in the workplace. However on the inside I am really an asshole. I am a completely terrible person and probably going to hell. I fully expect St. Peter to just start laughing when I arrive at the gates of heaven and say "Really...your here???...really?".

Anyway I digress. This blog is my rantings on the workplace and the people I work with. I will try and keep everything in truth however I will obviously need to change names and situations to prevent myself from being identified. Although I doubt anyone would even suspect it was me because I am just too nice on the outside...little do they know.

If you don't like my writing, thats great but I really don't give a shit. I am writing to entertain and if you are offended, go read a fucking novel and complain to somebody else because I really don't care. I objectify females, curse, have no manners, and am generally evil. Don't try and act like I didn't warn you...